Sometimes I wonder if I’ve given my kids good enough parenting.
Don’t we all do that sometimes?
Thinking back, I dare say that most responses have been positive. But sometimes I am reminded about things that shouldn’t have been done, or things that shouldn’t have been said.
We are heading back to the car – the whole family – after having taken travel vaccines. My son had just been with a bunch of guys in one of the popular Mediterranean holiday destination for young people, followed by two straight days in bed at home. Therefore, we haven’t had much chance to talk.
– Were everyone okay down there? Did someone have to see the emergency room? – I asked. – There were several who went to the hospitals, my son replies. – Did you have to do that? – No, not me, but some of the guys were beaten. – Hah? Beaten up? By whom? – By bouncers.
There were no signs of drama or outrage in my son’s voice, rather a touch of indifference. If any of my buddies had been beaten up at a bar, I’d be really, really upset. So, on the way home, with the homecoming son behind the wheel, I took the courage to ask:
– Do you feel it’s alright that the bouncers beat up your mates? – It is better to be beaten up than getting fined (not did I know that you get fined by the bouncers). – Paying 20 euros in fines does not give the bouncers any respect, my son continued. They get a lot more respect when they beat the shit out of you.
I publish this dialogue because I think it expresses current attitudes among young men. I imagine well-trained, self-confident westside boys, high on shots with raspberry flavor, lack of respect for people who carry out practical work and black belts in video games – getting a bit bored and starting to test the limits of the bouncers. I’m quite sure that a local bouncer wearing a tight black T-shirt, having fused eyebrows gladly would use every single opportunity to show his muscles.
– Were any of you seriously hurt, then? – I asked worried. – Only a couple of bruises.
Actually I do not worry that much over what physical damage the boys might have got. That’s how it is in the big world. You must watch your body language so you do not get into trouble, but still keep a certain dignity. 18-year-olds do not learn these things at home or school. It must be experienced. This is how you build life experiences.
I’m more worried about the boys’ attitudes. Is it alright that doormen, or other officials use violence? Is it alright that the strong beating up the weak? Is it all right for you to beat up someone, and under which conditions and circumstances should that be okay? Boys aged 18 have voting rights and can drive a car. They can also be set in judgment for their actions.
What really worries me is how young men – those who believe that strong wins over weak – how do they consider women? Consider the following scenario. A bunch of 18 year olds arriving at an accommodation where it turns out that there are not enough beds. What answer option would you choose?
a. First come, first served getting bed.
b. The girls have the first rank on the beds.
c. The strongest decide.
Young boys would reply a. Adult men would cross b. Unfortunately, I think there are 18 year olds who think c is the best answer. It is a dangerous age for boys, especially those with a strong ego. They are physically strong, they lack life experience while male sex hormones rage inside their bodies. They need to fight hard to avoid that their egos take over. It would be best if they explicitly said no to violence.
It makes me think of my father’s role. I learned my son to fish, mending bicycle punctures and how to drive a car. But what did I tell him, and what did I do to create the right attitude towards violence? I am afraid that I have both said and done foolish things over the years. I’m no violent person, but has a complicated relationship with violence. In periods during my childhood I was beat up regularly by someone at home who had trouble coping with illness and addiction. I’m telling you, it was not cool to go to school every day with bruises and swollen lips. Studies show that people who have been abused as children, are more likely than others to exercise violence in their adult life, or to put it this way: Have a lower inhibition against violence in his own family. There are probably also statistics showing that men who are raised with addicted parents, are more likely themselves to be caught in a drug addictions later in life. Addiction leads to violence.
And violence begets violence.
I think of violence with shame. Something I basically wish I could control at all time, but in constant fear of losing it someday. Almost like a fear of wetting myself in public. It can happen without being aware of it, a state of unconsciousness in the blink of a moment. Violence cannot be controlled. Imagine yourself. After got you hit in your face, you will lose your temper. That’s just how it is.
I have not actively managed to teach my kids to completely renounce violence. In fact, I wonder if I have done the opposite. Have I ever spoken positively about violence – or perhaps at times have behaved violently, or should we say rowdy?
When my daughter started to practice driving, I would prepare her in case she met someone who got mad at her, you know, honking and gesticulating.
– Then I give him the finger, my daughter said. – No, I said, horrified. – For heaven’s sake don’t do that!
Then I got it straight.
– It is better that I show middle finger than you go out and beat the shit out of him.
La det være sagt! 
Violence is not alright
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve given my kids good enough parenting.
Don’t we all do that sometimes?
Thinking back, I dare say that most responses have been positive. But sometimes I am reminded about things that shouldn’t have been done, or things that shouldn’t have been said.
We are heading back to the car – the whole family – after having taken travel vaccines. My son had just been with a bunch of guys in one of the popular Mediterranean holiday destination for young people, followed by two straight days in bed at home. Therefore, we haven’t had much chance to talk.
– Were everyone okay down there? Did someone have to see the emergency room? – I asked.
– There were several who went to the hospitals, my son replies.
– Did you have to do that?
– No, not me, but some of the guys were beaten.
– Hah? Beaten up? By whom?
– By bouncers.
There were no signs of drama or outrage in my son’s voice, rather a touch of indifference. If any of my buddies had been beaten up at a bar, I’d be really, really upset. So, on the way home, with the homecoming son behind the wheel, I took the courage to ask:
– Do you feel it’s alright that the bouncers beat up your mates?
– It is better to be beaten up than getting fined (not did I know that you get fined by the bouncers).
– Paying 20 euros in fines does not give the bouncers any respect, my son continued. They get a lot more respect when they beat the shit out of you.
I publish this dialogue because I think it expresses current attitudes among young men. I imagine well-trained, self-confident westside boys, high on shots with raspberry flavor, lack of respect for people who carry out practical work and black belts in video games – getting a bit bored and starting to test the limits of the bouncers. I’m quite sure that a local bouncer wearing a tight black T-shirt, having fused eyebrows gladly would use every single opportunity to show his muscles.
– Were any of you seriously hurt, then? – I asked worried.
– Only a couple of bruises.
Actually I do not worry that much over what physical damage the boys might have got. That’s how it is in the big world. You must watch your body language so you do not get into trouble, but still keep a certain dignity. 18-year-olds do not learn these things at home or school. It must be experienced. This is how you build life experiences.
I’m more worried about the boys’ attitudes. Is it alright that doormen, or other officials use violence? Is it alright that the strong beating up the weak? Is it all right for you to beat up someone, and under which conditions and circumstances should that be okay? Boys aged 18 have voting rights and can drive a car. They can also be set in judgment for their actions.
What really worries me is how young men – those who believe that strong wins over weak – how do they consider women? Consider the following scenario. A bunch of 18 year olds arriving at an accommodation where it turns out that there are not enough beds. What answer option would you choose?
a. First come, first served getting bed.
b. The girls have the first rank on the beds.
c. The strongest decide.
Young boys would reply a. Adult men would cross b. Unfortunately, I think there are 18 year olds who think c is the best answer. It is a dangerous age for boys, especially those with a strong ego. They are physically strong, they lack life experience while male sex hormones rage inside their bodies. They need to fight hard to avoid that their egos take over. It would be best if they explicitly said no to violence.
It makes me think of my father’s role. I learned my son to fish, mending bicycle punctures and how to drive a car. But what did I tell him, and what did I do to create the right attitude towards violence? I am afraid that I have both said and done foolish things over the years. I’m no violent person, but has a complicated relationship with violence. In periods during my childhood I was beat up regularly by someone at home who had trouble coping with illness and addiction. I’m telling you, it was not cool to go to school every day with bruises and swollen lips. Studies show that people who have been abused as children, are more likely than others to exercise violence in their adult life, or to put it this way: Have a lower inhibition against violence in his own family. There are probably also statistics showing that men who are raised with addicted parents, are more likely themselves to be caught in a drug addictions later in life. Addiction leads to violence.
And violence begets violence.
I think of violence with shame. Something I basically wish I could control at all time, but in constant fear of losing it someday. Almost like a fear of wetting myself in public. It can happen without being aware of it, a state of unconsciousness in the blink of a moment. Violence cannot be controlled. Imagine yourself. After got you hit in your face, you will lose your temper. That’s just how it is.
I have not actively managed to teach my kids to completely renounce violence. In fact, I wonder if I have done the opposite. Have I ever spoken positively about violence – or perhaps at times have behaved violently, or should we say rowdy?
When my daughter started to practice driving, I would prepare her in case she met someone who got mad at her, you know, honking and gesticulating.
– Then I give him the finger, my daughter said.
– No, I said, horrified. – For heaven’s sake don’t do that!
Then I got it straight.
– It is better that I show middle finger than you go out and beat the shit out of him.
😕 Where did she get that idea from?
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